(no subject)

[ricevermicelli]

Today, they removed one of my two surgical drains. I can describe this experience quite vividly, but no one I have spoken to so far wants to listen, and I frankly do not blame them.

I am very aware of how much more comfortable I suddenly am with less plastic tubing in me, and also of how much I am dreading having the remaining drain taken out. I mean, I hate the drains, and I expect I will, again, feel much more comfortable, but the process of getting there is hideous and thank Ghod they have given me Ativan, because I do not think I could sleep if I didn't have the pharmaceutical assist at not thinking about it.

I need a safe place to go in my head when things hurt, because there is a lot more hurting still to go. I am actually contemplating chucking the plans for breast reconstruction because I'm just not at all sure I can take it. Considering all the trouble that breast was when I had it - the oversupply, the mastitis, the fucking cancer - do I really care enough about fitting symmetrically into sweaters that I want to put in the effort to, essentially, build my red-headed stepchild of a breast a memorial? They want to do a small implant on the other side for better matching, too, and then implants don't last forever, I'll need new ones every 5-10 years. (I am a very bad candidate for TRAM reconstruction, it has been discussed and rejected.)

Anyway: I need a safe place to go in my head, and I need to figure out what that looks like, and how to get there, reliably, and ideally very fast.

Still no word on chemo. I hear that they have frozen my breast, and sliced it up like deli ham, and are examining each of the millions of cells that they took off me, presumably with some sort of automated assistance, cause that's a lot of cells. Next week at the earliest. However, in discussing the prospect, the oncology team likes to point out that chemo is "very low risk" for me, so almost any benefit would be worth chasing.

Comments

[cutieperson]

i remember vividly having a surgical drain removed as a kid. no drugs, no real explanation of what was to come. i'll listen if you want to share.

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

You know, when you get your ears pierced, how you have to turn the studs once in a while to keep them from scabbing over? Remember what the first turn is like? THAT, but instead of a nubbin of earlobe, six inches or so of pectoral.

[cutieperson]

:(
please let me know if there is *anything* i can do once back from Baitcon. and i hope they continue giving you the good drugs for the next one.

[drwex]

In a word, HOLYFUCK.

I have no advice, only sympathy. And though I don't have bbbsg's experience I am willing to listen to anything you want to share. I can't make the pain less, but maybe I can help quiet the brain weasels.

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

Yuck! I'm sorry that happened, but 100% support you writing about any gross thing you want to.

For me, using a set of words I can repeat has been the most reliable way to quickly invoke the safe place in my head. I'm happy to talk more details on this if it's ever helpful.

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

No wonder J didn't like getting his out - although at least his were abdominal, so hopefully less painful. In terms of safe places, I have usually gone to books; maybe a re-read of a few favorite feel-good books is in order, so you can recall the particularly good parts easily at need? Dreaming up knitting patterns or projects also works well for me, and complicated cable knitting provides a good medium for meditation/prayer when I can't get my brain to shut up. I wish you success in finding something that works for you.

Newt

[eudociainboston.livejournal.com]

I remember having drains removed- it was not an experience I care to repeat. Feel free to share and I can listen and empathize.

[buxom-bey.livejournal.com]

*listening and hearing*

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

If you feel the need to vent, pm me. We can talk even talk about the stringy stuff.

Implant surgery is a gazillion times less everything than a mastectomy. But I couldn't even think about going back under the knife (laser?) for at least a couple weeks after I got off the painkillers, which was in turn about a month after surgery. Which isn't to say that you should get reconstruction, just that much like operating heavy machinery, you might want to postpone thinking about it. Also, because of my situation, I had a lot of time to evaluate my various reconstructive options, and ended up going with the straight implants and so can tell you _all_ about them.

My retreat for most of the time was something along the lines of "this pain is totally worthy another decade of husband" (truthfully, it was all worth another week with him) and sometimes it hurt so much and I was so tired I was mad at everything, including him, and then my happy place was all the books in the world I had yet to read, and so that turned into a library in my head, and I'd think about populating sections of it.

[ceo]

*gentle, one-sided hugs*

[asciikitty.livejournal.com]

have you read much (any) Jenny Crusie? I could loan you some. She's got some fun stuff.

<3

[valkyriefire.livejournal.com]

The thing is, I know I say stupid things at all the wrong times. This is not a professional issue, as having the right words for strangers is actually easier than it seems. What I want to convey is that whatever way I can help to support this process, I will, even if it's just to bugger off or be a silent witness or whatever. I'm sorry you are going through this, no matter how graceful or gracelessly you go through it. You are loved, even in the trauma times.

[perspicuity.livejournal.com]

sounds intense.

i'd probably listen, i find that interesting. bodies are so ... weird and yet beautifully complex.

#

[catling.livejournal.com]

Dearest lady. I am happy to listen to you talk about any piece of this, if that is helpful for you, drain removal, breast reconstruction, anything at all that helps you to get through this.

Please let me know when you are up for visitors, sweetheart, and I will be upon thy doorstep, with fresh local strawberries and/or other goodies and an ocean of love.

Do you have to make a decision on the breast reconstruction right away? Might you recover from the surgery and get past the "OW OW MOTHERFUCKING OW, BITCHES" portion of said recovery before having to decide? It seems perhaps not the best thing to make long term breast decisions while you are still in so much pain. But what do I know, my breasts are floppy from all the nursing and get in my way, yes, but have not given me quite the adversarial relationship that yours have.

*love*

[thenotoriousphd.livejournal.com]

Regarding breast reconstruction, if you don't have to make a decision right now, then don't. And by "don't have to make a decision right now", I mean "if you don't get the reconstruction done now, you can never never ever get it done in the future", not "I could get it done, but it'll cost more" or something like that.

If you want to describe your experiences here on LJ as a cathartic kind of exercise, you could put the gross parts behind a spoiler or cut tag (look here for instructions) and then just warn people not to read further if they didn't want to know. You could also restrict the post viewing to certain people (like your friends list or a special group you set up) if you didn't want to alarm, say, your mother or something like that.

I don't have any good suggestions for a safe place. When I'm dealing with pain, like a migraine or something, deep and controlled breathing exercises help me out, but that's not foolproof. I'll think about that.

[taura-g.livejournal.com]

Listening. Thank for updates. Sending strength and healing thoughts.

[dreams-of-wings.livejournal.com]

I'm always here to listen about any part of this.
You can even call me while I'm away in Canadia, if you want, and I won't even blink about the roaming charges.
Love you!