By Grapthor's Hammar...

[ricevermicelli]

My husband did the unforgivable tonight. He bought jam. Because it was on sale. "See!" he crowed. "I got the kind you like for making danish!" There were two jars of that in the pantry already (along with four jars of other flavors, plus the two half-empty jars in the fridge).

No one is making danish in this house this week, because just last week, after baking in the presence of my children, I determined (experientially) that flour is the messiest household substance there is and that I will not be using any more of it. Also, my vacuum cleaner is not particularly effective (because someone may possibly have stuffed a pancake in one of the hoses), and the lady I pay to clean the house (who brings her own vacuum cleaner) has broken her ankle, and god only knows when she will bless us again. While she's out, we have to do our own chores. You can't imagine the peril and horror of it.

To avenge myself against my spouse, I decided to toss the compost in the outside garbage. (We're scorched earth, unforgiving types in this marriage.) I cleaned the whole kitchen to make sure it appeared reasonable. He is going to be aghast, but here's the thing: We haven't been able to open the back door to get to the compost bin in a week and a half. We're supposed to get another eight inches of snow tomorrow. I don't know what the reasonable statute of limitations is for allowing a pineapple to moulder behind the kitchen sink, but I am damn certain that it expires *well* before the next expected thaw. Because the previous owners, who rehabbed the house, were determined to create a kitchen as difficult to clean as humanly possible (we have carpet, and don't even ask me about the sink), it took an hour and a half. The kitchen now looks as though someone reasonably could make danish here (or, alternatively, as though no preschoolers have tried to help with anything in the recent past). I love it. But in order to accomplish this, I had to bring toys to the living room and put them away with my eyes closed, lest I start the violently needed cleaning there and pass out before I reached the point in the kitchen at which removal of the compost might appear logical instead of vindictive.

Comments

[blk]

Your husband really needs to build you a kitchen-compost catapult.

Hrm, -I- could really use one of those...

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

I could so totally use one of those! My husband's been reading about trebuches recently; maybe I could talk him into it.... :)

Newt

[c1.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've ever read one of these posts without laughing uncontrollably. The bit about being vindictive, scorched-earth types was what did it to me this time.

Not sure I'm with you on the flour, though. One could easily argue that the only logical thing to do is make danish-- after all, it's clear that you have way too much flour on hand. I mean, if you're going to get vindictive, you might as well go whole-hog and inflict gobs of danish upon your household. "Take that!"

[xuth.livejournal.com]

is the sink carpeted as well? Oh that's right, I shouldn't ask you about it.

[naomikritzer]

Cornstarch is worse than flour.

You probably don't want to test this experimentally, at least not in your own kitchen, but trust me.

[robbbbbb.livejournal.com]

I have heard of Moon Mud. I can only imagine trying to clean up cornstarch.

In a kitchen with carpet.

And small children around.

[Shudder.]

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

My children were once sent home from church with something that sounds like your Moon Mud. (They didn't give us any name for it.) I can imagine quite well.

I have also had to clean a kitchen with carpet. It was my MIL's kitchen. *shudder*

Newt

[tisiphone.livejournal.com]

Carpet in the kitchen? That's horrific. Did these people never cook or eat in this house?

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

Are you secretly a guy named Brad? Because when I read the first paragraph of this I was convinced it was you: http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2011/01/26/a-glass-of-sprite/

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

I am not a guy named Brad, but I suspect that one day I will be his mom. My go-to thing is ginger ale, but I can easily imagine giving a kid a soda and letting him sit on the couch for an hour before going to the ER.

Or make tea

[drwex]

I forget which book I read that advised the first thing a parent should do when presented by a child with a non-life-threatening situation was to make tea. Because that takes time, and settles one down into a frame of mind in which one can contemplate what the proper next action ought to be.

I doubt I'd let the kid set an hour, but I do try not to freak out on sight.

Re: Or make tea

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

IME, an hour is not a bad time frame for evaluation of a possible break or sprain. My mom (who is a *doctor* and should know better) never made it to the ER with a fracture within 24 hours of the injury - that's too long, even she thinks so. But a greenstick fracture can be hard to spot, and it's often difficult to tell whether you've got a big problem or a small one just at first. I know of any number of first aid suggestions for dealing with children that suggest, so long as the kid is breathing and conscious and there's no blood, the way to identify a problem is to wait. "If the pain lasts longer than the popsicle you give as an ice pack, it's real," and so on.

Re: Or make tea

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

It took my parents a week to identify my brother's greenstick fracture. The doctors were impressed they'd identified it before it healed.

I concur on the hour thing. Massive bleeding tends to motivate me to move a bit faster than that, but for breaks/sprains, definitely.

Newt

[dreams-of-wings.livejournal.com]

but but but...DANISH. Danish is always good.

I have a lead on house cleaner for you, while J. is healing...

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

Oh, please, hit me with some of that. I might even unbend on danish in time for various brunches this weekend.

[catling.livejournal.com]

Carpet in the kitchen is nucking futs.

I am sorry for your woes but reading this made me literally laugh out loud, so thank you.

[robbbbbb.livejournal.com]

By the sons of Warban, your kitchen shall be avenged!

[chalgaryn.livejournal.com]

Everyone's comments about carpet in the kitchen has reminded me of a coworker's renovation story. They hired someone to remove the carpet in their kitchen and lay down linoleum. When the carpet was pulled up they discovered shag carpet underneath! Who would put shag carpet in a kitchen? Presumably the same people who would put carpet on top of carpet.

[nemene.livejournal.com]

I knew someone who had their kitchen remodeled, and found that in one of the walls hid a cabinet. Someone had walled in a cabinet! With food still in it!