Hat Trick

[ricevermicelli]

...if the core biopsy samples were atypical, if the unbiopsied abnormal tissue contained malignancies, if the flash biopsies were false negatives

I said that the other day. I'm three for three.

I have special cancer, that attracts biopsy needles to its least alarming parts. The biopsy samples were not representative of the surrounding tissue. The unbiopsied abnormal tissue was rife with malignancies. The flash biopsies were false negatives. I have this whole pathology report - mostly, it reads as a compelling indictment of my erstwhile breast. That thing was out to get me.

What's all that mean for my prognosis? It means I'm going to have a lousier year than previously expected. I get aggressive chemotherapy. I get to inject my own damn self with drugs intended to keep my white cell counts from tanking (this is trivial, but kind of looms large in my head). Then, I get radiation. The overall course of treatment is expected to last at least nine months, and they can't start until I've recovered some more from the mastectomy, and they've had a chance to look at me with more imaging tech and install a port. Fun times!

This morning, Danger Lad! came upstairs while I was getting Hotspur dressed. He'd been sliding on his socks, he complained, and fell on his tailbone. I administered maternal non-sympathy. "That's a known risk of sliding on your socks," I said. (This is part of a sneaky educational plan whereby we expose our children to big words and lofty concepts until they figure out that all the sympathy in the world comes from Grandma.) He nodded, and then got a pillow from his room and headed back downstairs, to the hardwood floors.

Comments

[tamidon.livejournal.com]

it's a trivial contribution to a hellish situation, but for me the hard part of self injecting was just getting past the first one, talking myself into actually doing it.

Not sure what I can offer,but if there anything I can do let me know.

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That's good to know, actually. My mom says she can come over and do them if I need her to, but I already feel pretty ridiculously dependent.

[tamidon.livejournal.com]

you can practice with a needle on an orange. The big thing is to remember to press the plunger before pulling out. You can do it, really, it's just getting past the completely natural instinct of your brain saying "Fuck no, we're not doing this"

[zuleikhajami.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to read this.

[perspicuity.livejournal.com]

ooh, pillows, brilliant!

#

[perspicuity.livejournal.com]

separate thought: my dentist showed me the coolest diversion method for injections: something hard and rounded, like a chopstick end, or crochet needle (to be really exact), push on skin somewhat hard, FEEL the pressure, then as you release quickly slip in needle behind the pressure point.

apparently body doesn't notice as much? that's all i know after 14 shots in the mouth. interesting body trick!

also, pillow!

#

[mrf-arch.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I'm sorry you get stuck with the bonus nine months of extra super-duper "fun".

[beah.livejournal.com]

I can offer baby-huffing if you are looking for alternative therapies...

[dzmonster.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry.

HUGS

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry about the suck. We have new puppy we can bring over for puppy therapy if you are inclined. If you need kid help Kfir can be really good with smalls. If there is anything in particular you need let us know. I went though this sort of treatment with both my parents.

Oh and this disease totally gets the finger.

[gosling.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

A friend who has had to inject himself multiple times a day since he was a kid said that for him the trick was not to look as he did it.

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

How big are the needles you'll be self-injecting with? Insulin needles are small and friendly; intramuscular injections call for the great big needles -- I think I've had knitting needles the diameter of some of those things -- and I never could get the hang of giving myself intramuscular injections. Chris ended up doing those for me. I'm guessing your needles will be smaller -- the nurses all assumed that I would have someone else do it for me with the intramuscular, and were surprised that I tried for self-injecting -- which will make it easier. A little bit of ice to numb the area, and maybe a heat pack after to help the medicine dissipate, were helpful in dealing with big needles and large volumes injected; I'm hoping you don't need those, but mention them in case they do make life easier.

Congratulations on maintaining the maternal non-sympathy. I'm all for it. Those of us who administer it should support each other through all available means, for the grandmas of the world do tend to frown on us for it.

Newt

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Oh crap. I am so sorry.

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure on needle size. I strongly suspect the medical oncologist of downplaying chemo-associated unpleasantness, but there is a "chemo class" that I suspect is designed to address this shortcoming.

The truth about maternal non-sympathy is that it hits my sense of humor. The grandmas of the world can disapprove, but this works for me. Also, it covers me when I'm trying not to laugh at the poor kid. And prevents me from telling him all about my own sock-sliding adventures. There's one excellent, really long stretch at my parents house, where if you open a few doors and get some speed up, you can slide, like, twenty feet. It would be unwise to discuss this with DL!.

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

If they're expecting the average cancer patient to be able to self-inject, you should do fine. It is a bit of a mental hurdle to get over at first, though; we are very thoroughly wired for self-preservation, which injections and surgeries mess with big time. I hope chemo class provides opportunities for therapeutic snark along with genuine helpfulness.

I totally get the non-sympathy working with the sense of humor; I think we have similar propensities here. Ours has been fine-tuned, of course, by a boy who treats hang nails and broken bones with the same level of urgency; we've become necessarily immune to his screams, able to cut through the noise to the quick diagnostic questions ("Is it bad enough that you want us to cut the limb off? No? Then you'll live. Finish your math."), and our extended family (all of which live very far way from us) sometimes act like we're monsters in response. *shrug* Since he does the same (and is invariably bouncing around just fine five minutes later), we're becoming immune to that, too. Your parents' house sounds like a wonderful place to grow up, and perhaps an even better place to visit when going to Grandma's house.

Newt

[taura-g.livejournal.com]

Well, that just sucks. Totally. And of course your white cell count is going to loom large with two small children in the house.

Once treatment is scheduled if you need rides and/or company, I'm sure I am one of a number of people willing to help. (my schedule at work can be very flexible since my team is scattered from the UK to Sydney Australia)

Please let us know.

[mizarchivist]

I would like to point out to your cells that they need not be such over-achievers. That would be OK.

[blk]

Man, fuck cancer.

Totally supportive of the maternal non-sympathy. There is a time and place for actual real non-snarky sympathy and a time and place for laughing out loud at their pains and this falls very kindly into the appropriate middle.

[catling.livejournal.com]

Well, shit. Fuck you, cancer. Fuck you in the ear, cancer, with no lube and no reach-around.

I love you. I'm here in whatever capacity I can help. Reiki, I gots it, if you want it. Hell, may I have your permission to send distance Reiki? Even if you don't believe in it, I can assure you that it will do no harm and it will make me feel better to be sending it than sitting here helplessly reading these entries and wishing there were some damn thing I could do. Thank you.

Not that it should in any way be about me and my feelings because you need to be selfish right now, woman, and do whatever you need to do for you.

[drwex]

I'm absolutely no help with self-injections. I'd be freaking catatonic. Pygment has already listed most of what we think we can do. I have a pretty flexible work-schedule, too, and can give rides or such-like.

On the parenting side - yeah, I'm generally the font of non-sympathy for my kids. Particularly when they hurt themselves and then immediately return to the behavior that got them hurt in the first place.

[beth_leonard]

The one that works best for us with the kids is, "well, you can keep crying, or you can go back to playing now. It's your choice."

Wish the same could be said for adults. Sometimes the answer is to just keep crying a bit longer.

Many sympathies,
--Beth

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

Your kid is awesome.

If there are trivial things -- bringing food, running errands, distracting children -- that other people can do, please say so. I will be living around the corner from one of those parks with a fountain soon, frex.

[jedilora.livejournal.com]

I'm going to word this. The first time was the worst, but it gets easier.

Also, seriously let the antiseptic wipe dry before injecting. SERIOUSLY.

[macthud]

This was much my thought.

Also, "holy fuck, enough! Give her a break!"

Also also, "I miss having a low enough center of gravity that floor sliding was more serious fun than seriously perilous."

Anything I can do to make this year less shitty and more reasonable... aw, hell, you know.

[jesse-in-boston.livejournal.com]

jedilora and I would be happy to rent one or two small people for a few weekends once the chemo starts. We promise to try and return them with as many limbs as we get them.

[lifecollage.livejournal.com]

Haven't had the chance to comment much, but you've been in my thoughts all this time. Dammit, cancer.

Maternal non-sympathy is the best thing in the world. "I love you. Take responsibility for your own actions. Learn from your errors." Parenting, best kind.

[zathrus.livejournal.com]

Ya know, there are times when you're supposed to be dependent and get help from everyone around you, and I think this year is one of those times. There's a reason why my first reaction to all the illness exploding all over my Facebook and Livejournal pages has been to want to cook things for people (although, sadly, I live too far away from everyone, including my grandfather, and nothing I cook is worth the expense of dry ice and overnight shipping; there's a whole lot of pent-up sympathetic cooking sitting here, and the first person I hear of who's sick in my city is probably going to get overwhelmed). This is when friends you didn't know you had are supposed to appear out of the woodwork and help you with things and your family gets to prove just how awesome they are. I totally respect your desire to do what you can and not feel too hugely dependent, but just remember, it's OK to rely on others for a while, even for a bit more than you absolutely have to.

*hugs*
Newt

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

Heh. A screaming child is conscious, and has an open airway. Can't be that bad.

[nemene.livejournal.com]

IF I ever get around to creating my post of awesome things and thoughts, can I quote you?