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Thoughts on Fatherhood
May. 4th, 2010 01:49 pm(This is sort of spun off of conversations elsewhere, conversations held by good people with sincere questions, who deserve genuine answers. But look, I have my own LJ! I can rant!)
The problem with recommending reading on fatherhood is that the bar set by the available literature is so very, very low.
Perhaps you are an expectant father. Perhaps you are delighted by the prospect of your incipient child and appalled by how badly you, as a parent, could potentially fuck this up. Perhaps you would like some guidance. If you read most of the pregnancy and parenting books out there, you could be forgiven for concluding that your role in this process has only two important parts:
1. Orgasm. Once.
2. Don't shake the baby.
Some provide an optional third part: accept spousal berating. And I'm sorry to tell you that I know of no parenting relationship entirely free of spousal berating, which generally originates pretty equally on both sides. In an appendix to The Happiest Baby on the Block, Harvey Karp comments that it is easy to believe that you yourself are giving 110% to your new baby (which Karp says is true), and your partner is giving only 75% (which Karp says is false). Parenting is a strain, and when the work is hard, it's easy to feel put upon. When you are changing the eighth godawful stinky diaper in a row while your partner engages in self-indulgent activities like the having of incapacitating stomach flu, it is only too easy to regard that person less generously than you should.
It is also a challenge for a mother to take a father's contributions terribly seriously when comparing them to these standards. Mothers are supposed to have a general eye on the health and welfare of their children at all times. Every possible decision about every possible issue is scrutinized (or supposed to be scrutinized) for the potential to cause harm, however small the risk or nebulous the damage, and actual damage will be laid at the feet of the mother. This disparity creates a strong temptation to sneering ingratitude that persists even in the face of heroic efforts at fathering: "You didn't kill the kids! How sweet."
Furthermore, an awful lot of pregnancy and parenting books are gratingly sexist. Husbands are supposed to earn money, wives are supposed to have infinite time on their hands to "nest" and infinite money to spend on baby-related consumer goods, all pre-baby families are supposed to consist of one husband and one wife, no more, no less. Many books have sections that can be summarized as "men are bastards", and while it is true that some men do behave very badly by their pregnant partners, and women often need information on resources for coping with that, genuinely good and gentle male people may find it more than annoying to read book after book on how you're lucky if that guy who knocked you up doesn't need to be hectored about shaking the baby.
Here follows a list of books that genuinely contributed to my sanity as a parent and helped counter the tide of man-hating crap with which the press groans. They are not all overtly related to pregnancy or children. They are not in any kind of order, except the order in which I thought of them. Take from it what you will.
- The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki Iovine. Not exactly groundbreaking feminism, but does acknowledge a variety of forms of male contribution and give some weight to spousal concerns.
- If Your Kid Eats This Book, Everything Will Still Be Okay by Lara Zibners. Will help you figure out when you should be seeking help and when you can chill, which is a pretty gigantic advantage in the parent universe.
- The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp. Functional strategies for reducing infant crying. Awesome.
- Operating Instructions by Anne Lamotte. Just don't time your kids vs. young Sam Lamotte, who slept through the night at an unbelievably early age (or who Anne just fails to mention stayed up a lot *after* those three nights when he slept).
- About a Boy by Nick Hornby. Maps some of the territory of parenting in fractured relationships, with reasonable good humor, although it is sometimes staggeringly unrealistic.
- The Kid by Dan Savage, particularly the ending chapters when Dan and Terry actually have the baby.
- Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems. Real tantrum-handling strategies, complete with parental eye-rolls, humorously illustrated.
The problem with recommending reading on fatherhood is that the bar set by the available literature is so very, very low.
Perhaps you are an expectant father. Perhaps you are delighted by the prospect of your incipient child and appalled by how badly you, as a parent, could potentially fuck this up. Perhaps you would like some guidance. If you read most of the pregnancy and parenting books out there, you could be forgiven for concluding that your role in this process has only two important parts:
1. Orgasm. Once.
2. Don't shake the baby.
Some provide an optional third part: accept spousal berating. And I'm sorry to tell you that I know of no parenting relationship entirely free of spousal berating, which generally originates pretty equally on both sides. In an appendix to The Happiest Baby on the Block, Harvey Karp comments that it is easy to believe that you yourself are giving 110% to your new baby (which Karp says is true), and your partner is giving only 75% (which Karp says is false). Parenting is a strain, and when the work is hard, it's easy to feel put upon. When you are changing the eighth godawful stinky diaper in a row while your partner engages in self-indulgent activities like the having of incapacitating stomach flu, it is only too easy to regard that person less generously than you should.
It is also a challenge for a mother to take a father's contributions terribly seriously when comparing them to these standards. Mothers are supposed to have a general eye on the health and welfare of their children at all times. Every possible decision about every possible issue is scrutinized (or supposed to be scrutinized) for the potential to cause harm, however small the risk or nebulous the damage, and actual damage will be laid at the feet of the mother. This disparity creates a strong temptation to sneering ingratitude that persists even in the face of heroic efforts at fathering: "You didn't kill the kids! How sweet."
Furthermore, an awful lot of pregnancy and parenting books are gratingly sexist. Husbands are supposed to earn money, wives are supposed to have infinite time on their hands to "nest" and infinite money to spend on baby-related consumer goods, all pre-baby families are supposed to consist of one husband and one wife, no more, no less. Many books have sections that can be summarized as "men are bastards", and while it is true that some men do behave very badly by their pregnant partners, and women often need information on resources for coping with that, genuinely good and gentle male people may find it more than annoying to read book after book on how you're lucky if that guy who knocked you up doesn't need to be hectored about shaking the baby.
Here follows a list of books that genuinely contributed to my sanity as a parent and helped counter the tide of man-hating crap with which the press groans. They are not all overtly related to pregnancy or children. They are not in any kind of order, except the order in which I thought of them. Take from it what you will.
- The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki Iovine. Not exactly groundbreaking feminism, but does acknowledge a variety of forms of male contribution and give some weight to spousal concerns.
- If Your Kid Eats This Book, Everything Will Still Be Okay by Lara Zibners. Will help you figure out when you should be seeking help and when you can chill, which is a pretty gigantic advantage in the parent universe.
- The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp. Functional strategies for reducing infant crying. Awesome.
- Operating Instructions by Anne Lamotte. Just don't time your kids vs. young Sam Lamotte, who slept through the night at an unbelievably early age (or who Anne just fails to mention stayed up a lot *after* those three nights when he slept).
- About a Boy by Nick Hornby. Maps some of the territory of parenting in fractured relationships, with reasonable good humor, although it is sometimes staggeringly unrealistic.
- The Kid by Dan Savage, particularly the ending chapters when Dan and Terry actually have the baby.
- Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems. Real tantrum-handling strategies, complete with parental eye-rolls, humorously illustrated.
