Dark Horse Prom Candidates

I never used to have celebrity crushes - they're kind of a junior high thing, and they're one of the junior high things I missed in junior high (possibly, I should have done more junior high things at the usual time, because every now and then I do a dumb junior high thing at a spectacularly bad time - hair removal experiments the day before my wedding, for example). When all the other girls were 'gasming over NKOTB, I was above it all. Maybe I was just smarter.

Since then, I've indulged small infatuations for Catherine Zeta-Jones (she has bad taste - why is she married to that creepy guy from "Fatal Attraction" when I'm in the world?), Angelina Jolie (too crazy to like for real), Julia Stiles (abandoned after "Down to You," a terrible movie in which Freddie Prinz Jr. shows us that the way to get the love of your life back is to drink her shampoo). Nothing big, or lasting.

But I've been dreaming about Bob Hallett for months. He'd be perfect for me. I bet R. would like him too. Bob does carnal things to the violin. He writes songs on occasion. Back when Great Big Sea started up, Bob did their original web design. What's a geek girl not to love?

The only problem is, I can't date guys named Robert. I've been stalked by Roberts, discovered that Roberts were not even a little bisexual, and had it announced to me that Robert was born-again Christian. I hate giving up crushes on grounds like these, but it's just always bad.

Dear Mr. Hallett:

Your Christian name presents an insuperable barrier. I don't suppose you'd change it, just for me?

Your devoted,
RiceVermicelli